not this time either!

There are moments when something small happens, but it hits a place inside you that’s been aching for years.

This was one of those moments.

He asked me if I wanted to go on the trip. I said yes instantly, maybe a little too quickly. I don’t think he expected that answer. And almost immediately, the reasons started coming. The temperature would be too low. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate it. It’s extremely cold there.

What hurt wasn’t the no.

What hurt was the implication.

That the person who fit into his plan, he chose to take along, would be able to handle it, but I wouldn’t. That my limits were already decided for me, without even letting me try. It was okay though. I didn’t argue. I didn’t ask to be convinced. I didn’t want a consolation prize of Shimla or Manali where the weather is “manageable.” I don’t want alternatives offered out of guilt. So I said no. Properly. Cleanly.

Later the other day, I was at home doing what I usually do. Doing clothes. Cleaning. The ordinary, repetitive things that fill my days. 

Then the video call came. Snow everywhere. White, quiet, unreal. for a second, all I could think was how beautiful it looked. 

And then the thought crept in, the one I always try to push away.

Don’t I deserve to see places like this too?

I reacted the way I always do. Heart emojis. Little signs that say I’m happy for you, even when I’m not. Because it’s easier to do that than explain the heaviness that settles in my chest every time I watch other people live the life I keep imagining for myself.

I’ve started noticing how easily I get left out. How naturally other people get picked first. I know help exists. I know care exists. But this is different. This is about being taken along, not just taken care of.

It reminded me of my mother. Of how she never went anywhere either. Of that one time when everything became too much and she packed our bags and took us away for a while. I remember sitting there and crying with her, not fully understanding why, but knowing it hurt.

Some days I wonder if this is just how it’s meant to be for me too. Watching. Waiting. Adjusting. Making peace.

Maybe this is just one of those days I carry silently and move on.

I don’t know when my turn comes, but I hope it does.

I’ll leave this here, so I don’t pretend later that I felt nothing. (15.01.2026-20.01.2026)

with love and light, 

nandi❤