my personal diary kinda blog!

Even when I write this, I feel emotionally so unsettled.

 

I’ve been awake for 3 am now with a racing mind. 

 

I cried for no reason a few days ago in intervals. This lasted all day.

 

Every time I meditate and do a body scan, my chest feels heavy. I breathe, and visualize the warmth of sunshine, but nothing seems to make it go away. I even went for a walk the other day. 

 

I preach positivity (still a fan and still actively work on it every day), but I also embrace my sadness and lows.

 

I talk about not making my articles a personal diary but I’m banking on a bit of writing to make me feel better.

 

It’s selfish, I know.

 

A change of events this month that started okay drained me to a complete downfall.

 

Have you experienced when physical exhaustion leads you to feel sick mentally and mental exhaustion makes you feel sick in your body? It’s how I’ve been feeling every day.

 

This is, again, a dip I’m experiencing every morning this month.

 

During the day, though, I shift my mind to my happy and positive self. When I hit the bed, there’s no negativity, but it’s heavy. I feel like there’s a weight on my body, and then some more weight plates kept on top of me to weigh me down.

 

Making me feel heavier and more exhausted.

 

This month, I’ve experienced the three emotions that I rarely do:

 

anger

exhaustion (!like actual physical and mental)

irritability

If you’ve read my articles before, you’d know how much I believe in not dwelling in anger because it's a form of self-sabotage. When we’re angry, nobody cares. It doesn’t even impact anyone, but it deeply affects our bodies.

 

So why dwell on such an emotion?

 

But I’ve been experiencing short bursts of anger all month. You know that feeling when you think everything is falling apart, you’re falling apart, that’s what it feels like.

 

There isn’t one thing to trigger this, but a series of events.

 

There are also blessings to count on. I have love all around me — my parents, grandparents. I know they’re ready to do anything for me.

 

But then any communication of my feelings leads to crying.

 

It’s what I do, okay?

 

I cry in almost all movies when I’m sad, angry, happy, or upset. It’s my reaction to pretty much all emotions!

 

But when you want to talk and instead, you burst into tears, it feels like all those emotions are flowing out and they leave you feeling better.

 

(Fun fact: phrenic breathing is used while we cry which is the action of two small inhales and a long exhale, it’s proven to make you feel better.) Okay, sorry about nerding it out. but j a sinusitis patient thing so ik. :)

 

And when you feel to begin better, all that crying simply doesn’t do enough. There’s more, so much more inside.

 

For the first time in my life, I’ve considered journaling.

 

But if I can be honest, I’m deeply insecure about it. As a kid, my mum once read my journal and scolded me. It was about something stupid and nothing serious, but since then I never kept a journal.

 

I created my code language in school so I could write about anything and only I’ll be able to understand it.

 

Fear makes you do pretty cool things, right?

 

A huge part of me still thinks it happened for the good.

 

By ‘it’, I mean everything that happened this month.

 

I’ve definitely learnt a lot and been way beyond my comfort zone. As a person, I’m slow to adjust to change, but I was left in a corner where I couldn’t do anything but accept change.

 

It’s been difficult, but maybe it’ll pay off in life.

 

Writing this already makes me feel better.

 

Now I know why people write articles as if they’re writing their personal diaries! I still don’t recommend it though. I don’t think anyone will even read it this far because we’re all narcissistic and there’s too much we have in our own lives than to read of another’s miseries.

 

We’re living at such a hyper stimulated and high-stress time that there’s no time for anything than to think about ourselves.

 

Only to someday realize that the world doesn’t revolve around us. We’ve just made it about ourselves in our heads.

 

I don’t know how to end this.

 

This isn’t a typical article I write.

 

But what I’m experiencing is what it is to be human. The ups and downs and everything in between.

 

And while I’m having my rounds of sadness, I’m not sad about feeling what I feel.

 

Because it's good to feel things.

 

It's what makes you human.

 

Update on June 10: I’m far better. I kicked off June on a positive note and am looking forward to ace this month :)

fondly yours, 

N.