January 12th, 2023 || A Batchmates' "Phone Call" that changed alot !! || Maybe i'll look back on this blog laters.

i haven’t written in forever.

Why do I write? It started because I was told I was good at it as a child, and like every gifted kid, I took it too seriously. Eventually, I discovered the power of language and writing became my favorite creative outlet (much before photography). But mostly, I write to make sense of feelings and situations; to lay them out in the open. 

Why am I bringing this up today, after so long? What have I been up to the past few years....

I know I sound like every twenty-something cliché (or that Tame Impala song), but  

There’s been so much variability in my life it’s getting hard to keep up. 

Places, people, work, priorities, lifestyle, creative taste - I’m beginning to realize the early-to-mid 20’s are where your biggest transformation takes place. 

One day you’re living with your parents and dog, the next home becomes a sunny apartment half way across the world 5000 miles apart (legit!) One winter day you’re walking to school listening to Justin Bieber, reveling in the gloom, the next you’re grooving to countrymusik under sunny skies and wondering why the hell you liked sadness so much in the first place. One summer you’re at happy hour with your girl gang, promising you’ll never need another person to feel whole again, the next your friends are getting married (fr, now sobbing!) and you’re wondering whether all you ever wanted was stability.

Let’s back up a second and clear something up: this is not a sad post. 

I am not nostalgic for the past nor am I pining for a happily-ever-after (okay, maybe a little bit). 

This is about the unexpected departure of the haziness of youth, leaving behind a clearer picture of my actual self and a lot of questions about previous life choices. 

How many things did i do just to fit in? Why didn’t i say no more often? If i didn’t even like that boy, what made me waste my time? How often was i unkind to myself for being fussy? Why didn’t i ask for what i wanted instead of letting it simmer forever? Who told me finding comfort in being sad was normal? 

Contrary to popular belief, it's okay to (sometimes) blame other people and situations for what you thought was right for you at the time. All your reactions and feelings today were conditioned by what you went through — everything you were critiqued or praised for and you need to remember it's okay to be affected. No one’s born to be an unwavering rock, and even those are eroded by years of pressure. It's okay to want some things because society told you so, but it's nice to check in with yourself now-and-then if that’s what you really want. 

Easier said than done? ikr. :') 

I’m working on finding my set of wants and want-not’s that I’d like to include in my life. I’d love to run regular alignment checks with that list and pursue things that build on it, keeping me in sight of who and where I want to be. 

Will this work? I don’t know. 

Will I consistently be this self-aware? LOL no. Am I spewing some self-help-y shi where me and you are the same? Most definitely or perhaps!

But will re-reading this later at a tough point in life help re-center my internal compass? I’d like to think so. Yes!

here's me winding up, bec i might've spilled a way alot. but ain't life spilling me, all over the places ?! Lol. 

With love, and hugs 

nandi xoxo  <333