5th October 2016 - 16th October 2022 || Peace out. ||

that’s why you’re so confused. you keep remembering it as “we got to know each other deeply, how could they do me like this in the end”. have you considered they were only pretending to get to know you deeply but had intentions of using you for their own benefit all along?

have you considered they never valued you for who you were? have you considered what it meant to you was completely different from what it meant to them?

i feel like a possible reason you stray away from this perspective shift is because you don’t want to accept or view them as a “bad person”. but why does it have to mean they’re bad? why can’t it just mean their values has led them to use people in this way?

to put it simply, sometimes things really are not that complex. we try to make it so. realistically, their life and perspectives, principles and values up until that point differed so much from yours, regardless of what they told you or what you thought you saw in them.

their life trajectory up until that point caused them to act the way they did towards you. and that’s the end of that. was it messed up? inconsiderate? heartless? cruel? yes, sure. absolutely. i’d never tell you it wasn’t.

instead of trying to make sense of it by your own personality traits, mental health, your own idea of what love & consideration means onto them put in the work to understand that they are clearly operating from a view that makes absolutely no sense to you.

a view that has hurt you. whatever it is to you. accept that they were capable of doing this thing to you not bec of who you are or what you did but bec of the values they have adopted from birth until now.

you’re trying to make sense of a senseless act and that’s your problem. sometimes, things just are what they are. you want to pick it apart & understand it so that you can avoid it in the future or so that you can reassure yourself that you aren’t your insecurities embodied.

feeling rejected or neglected by them brings you back to every time you’ve felt this same pain. it hurts you. it brings you back. it re-traumatizes you. 

it’s about avenging your self-concept that you’ve worked so hard on. it’s about your desire to understand why people choose to hurt you because in childhood it never made sense either. there’s so many layers to why you can’t help but overthink this. and i’m sorry people hurt you back then and i’m sorry people have hurt you now. there is no justifiable reason to hurt you my love. 

they are doing what they know how to do. if not to you, then to someone else because that is the nature of their choices & trauma responses. we can only hope they take the time to unlearn them someday. to become aware of how their actions impact others. 

until then.

5th October 2016 - 16th October 2022 
yours N. 

Someone told me that changed my perspective and i will always hold-on to this - 

"No matter how bad someone does me i will never hope for their downfall. Love comes from a place of strength and care. Weak people cannot show affection. I hope they get strong and love someone (as you did) jo fir unka kaate. Uske baad jo dard hoga uske saamne paise, ghamand, ego ka dard kya hai"